Charles van Heck's Woodhull Journal

by Carl ten Hoopen

“Hogwash.” Fred Haisch slid the sheet of paper across the table.

My editor said much the same thing to me the previous evening when I showed her the article. Standing over me, she wore green eyeshades. Her face was stern. The only thing missing was a cigar at the corner of her mouth. “I can’t print this even as an opinion piece, Carl.” News editors have a way of making you feel good about your reporting the same way a high school English teacher does who gives you an F.

Andy Jost took the article. Fanny Dickinson approached our table with a pot of coffee. “The usual?” she asked, though it was more a statement of fact than a question. We nodded in unison. “What you got there, Andy?” He told her. Fanny rolled her eyes.

County Sheriff Roy Rayburn entered the Egg’lectic Café & Bakery with Mayor Plunket Howe. Rayburn passed us with a nod and Mayor Plunket gave us a superficial smile as they made their way to a booth at the rear of the diner.

“Now there’s a story for you. Why is the mayor having breakfast with Rayburn?” Fred said. Andy looked up. “You ever see any peculiar lights in the sky? You know, a UFO or whatever they call it now? UAPs?” I told him I had. Fred shook his head. Raising his hands, he wiggled his fingers. “The next thing you’ll tell us is you’ve seen cows pulled up into the air in beams of light.” Before I could respond, I saw Roy lean over. He appeared to be writing. Then his hand reached across the table towards the mayor. A scowl turned Howe’s face to stone.

“…a government coverup,” Andy said. “You know as well as I do the government and the military have been investigating UFOs since the 1940s.” Fred reached for his cup. “There is nothing to this aerial phenomenon.” Andy reached for a packet of sugar. Tearing it open, he said, “I’ve read about folks disappearing with no memory of where they been, who give accounts of bizzarro experiments, and then show up with telepathic connections. Those things move fast; Zoom. No aircraft can keep up with them.”

“There’s logical explanations.” Fred paused to sip his coffee. “Eccentrics. Drones and jet lights. That’s what they saw in New Jersey. Chinese spy balloons, weather balloons. Could even be stars, or fireballs like the one seen over South Carolina, Georgia and Tennessee.” Andy leaned forward like a fencer making a thrust with an epee. “Then you explain to me how it is that folks in the military and space related research report encounters. There are classified documents―” Fred interrupted him. “And how is it that you have access to classified government material?” Andy puffed his cheeks, and looked to me for support.

The mayor was holding up what appeared to be a slip of paper. Fanny was leaving their table.

“What I know is that Admiral Tim Gallaudet, Colonel Karl Neil, and Navy pilot Ryan Graves testified that aliens and UFOs exist. Then there’s senators and congressmen from both parties who have asked for a full disclosure.” Fred gave both of us a skeptical look. “I agree there hasn’t been disclosures by the government. There is a better chance of seeing the Epstein files than obtaining any bureaucratic documents about alien spacecrafts and alien visitors. What we do have are first-person accounts. That is of interest to me,” I said. My attention shifted to Rayburn and Howe.

Mayor Plunket Howe slid out of the booth. Crumbling the slip of paper, he thrust his fist into his suitcoat and stormed away red-faced. I craned my neck to watch him. The door slammed behind him. “Your story just walked out,” Fred chuckled.

Fanny returned with our breakfast platters. “I couldn’t help but overhear your conversation. If you ask me, UFOs are nothing more than a distraction from what matters. You should be writing about the space cadets running the government. I’m making a fresh pot. I’ll be back with refills in a minute.”

We ate our meal discussing a news account of Betelgeuse, a tangerine-red supergiant star, in the constellation of Orion that is on the verge of exploding into a supernova that will be seen in the earth’s night sky. They had a good laugh when I mentioned that Betelgeuse is pronounced “Beetlejuice” and its companion star is known as “Betelbuddy.” Fred mentioned that the speed of the earth’s rotation had increased. We speculated that this was caused by climate change.  

As we were finishing our meal, Roy walked past us. I stopped him to ask what the mayor was upset about. “Off the record?” I nodded. Roy leaned towards me. “I wrote him a speeding ticket.”

Some news stories, like government classified reports, never see the light of day, while others are like a supergiant star that builds up pressure until they explode.

Image:

One of the brighter and more unusual stars in the sky, the red supergiant star Betelgeuse can be found in the direction of the famous constellation Orion. Photograph:  NASA/Adam Block, Steward Observatory, University of Arizona